gURLs performance text

this is the text that i read and performed at gURLs nite at Transfer gallery that was in the summer. it was written for an all girls audience but i guess now anyone can read it! altho when i say it it is much better

i want to show you my body. I want you to think im hot in a way you couldn’t see before. I want to take off my clothes and have you think, oh wow, not bad ann.

I don’t want you to be jealous though. that would just be awkward. and then you might hate me.

but don’t worry, its ok. I think my naked body could be a pleasant surprise for you in the sense that im neither too beautiful nor too ugly to engender hatred or disgust from you. im safe from you in that way. I know youll be satisfied by both my positive and negative attributes. her breasts are small but nice. her big nose cancels out any jealousy I might feel over her slimness. so even though you might think my body is nice looking, you wont think it worthy of your jealousy. its not that great.

youll just kind of think, oh its nice that an awkward girl like ann has a decent body at least. good for her. I bet that is helpful for her and makes some things easier.

as you’ll see, theres some good here, some bad. a part of me worries that you might see more bad than good. but it’d be next to impossible for you to see more bad than I already see in myself.

(at this point i get fully naked)

im able to do this for all of you because we’re all girls, er women, here. so there can be no misconception that im like, doing this for attention or something. when theres men in the room, that’s what we all think. that Im just going to get naked to show off my body because im an exhibitionist.

in an all female environment, I can feel safe from that assumption. but the truth is, or at least one truth is, is that I do want attention. im tired of pretending I don’t. and im tired of pretending that wanting attention is a bad quality in a person.

also, im pretty sure I am an exhibitionist.

I get a thrill from getting naked in front of people. its not a sexual thrill. im not becoming aroused. but it is still exciting. like hey this is me, here I am, im letting you see it all, I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. if that makes me a bad person, like miley cyrus or something, then so be it.

the thrill of getting naked is a feeling I find akin to when I was in 5th grade and deciding whether or not to tell my best friend my deepest most shameful secret. either she will love me more for sharing my secret and will hold it with her forever, or she will go and tell our other friend who might tell another and then another.

before i tell her, I am fully aware that it could definitely end embarrassingly for me. but i have to tell her anyways, I just have to. theres a thrill inherent in testing your trust with someone and that’s what I feel now.

Maybe some of you will tell my secret. that im thin, but not in a hot way. that the slit in my vagina comes up too high.

But some of you wont. Maybe you will feel a sort of pride in solidarity with my nudity, that comes from being able to relate to being exposed and feeling vulnerable.

It sucks knowing that my self worth is so wrapped up in how I feel about my physical appearance. My nudity now is an exercise with myself, to tell myself, that my body, my looks, do not define me. The only way I can do this is through this bizarre method of exposure therapy you see before you. The more I do it, the more I can be assured that the way I look is OK.

today I feel skinny. That helps a lot.

I am worried about you accepting this action within the space of performance art. I mean, both the act of my nudity and my self- deprecating narcissistic way of talking about it. I guess a lot of people are “over” nudity in performance art. Like it’s been done before so we should stop doing it or something. But even if you don’t believe that, my nudity could still make you upset in a way you’re not even sure how to articulate.

Like when I’m among men and I see a woman take her clothes off in the name of art, im reminded that im primarily a sexual object. and maybe that makes me feel sexy sometimes. but when im with women only, seeing a naked woman just reminds me of the physical realities of my body. that im not pretty, that im aging, that i have a yeast infection i got from a uti that I got from sex.

Maybe I’m thinking so heteronormatively in part because I don’t think any woman could be attracted to my body. because I am a woman and I am my harshest critic. so I assume other women think the same about not only themselves but also me.

If men were at this performance, it would have gone over much better, I’m sure. They’re easy to please. They would have made excuses for me why my nudity was necessary in the context of the piece. They would have stood up for me and agreed it was my right to get naked if I wanted to. I would be happy to have them as allies, still fully understanding their true intentions behind their support, that they’re just happy to get a glimpse any way they can.

There would be of course men who would turn their noses down at me for my nudity but it would be because they’re scared their horniness will outweigh their intellectualism and they don’t want to seem like a caveman or something.

Maybe you feel my presentation of this piece isn’t artful or subtle enough. Maybe you think I should think less about myself and the way I am perceived.

You’ll go home and tell your roommates I sucked and im a terrible artist who makes self indulgent work with no craft or skill. or maybe at least a part of this will resonate with you and you’ll come up to me after and we can talk about how I stayed just above the line of being disgustingly self aware in a way that made you become more self aware about your own prejudices.

Ok I’m going to get dressed now because I want to end this performance. I don’t want to be naked when it ends. But if you guys wanna all get naked later and share the secrets of our bodies, I would be happy to partake. I’m always hungry for female intimacy. the kind that is platonic but bordering on sexual is my favorite.

Flirting as Trolling: The Thrill of the Frill

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As an artist, my utopian goal is to educate both men and women in subtle and affirming ways on the power discrepancies that still exist between them. I shed light onto where these power structures still exist by putting myself in the midst of them and reporting back my findings to the curious public.

In my dream world, everyone would realize how far we have to come in this power struggle. In this dream world, to solve this problem we would have pleasant debates in which our minds are mutually opened, and we learn from one another. Sometimes, I am fortunate enough to see this happen.

But that is not the reality in most cases. Sometimes, the way men treat me, or their comments on Facebook, Twitter etc infuriate me. I can’t help it. The love in my heart and desire to educate them disappears. I just want to troll those guys so hard. So hard they don’t even know where it’s coming from or why they suddenly feel so shitty about themselves. And this is how I came up with frilling. Or, flirting as a form of trolling. 

If a troll is defined as someone who posts deliberately provocative messages with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument (via urban dictionary) then a frill is someone who posts deliberately provocative (but a different kind of provocative no?) messages with the intention of causing maximum sexual tension. By creating and controlling this sexual tension, the frill demands the disruption takes place on her own terms.

If trolls fuck with you by playing on your insecurities that you’ve been societally conditioned by (your looks, your sexual behavior, worthlessness, etc) or their dominance over you as a man, the frill defuses this by fighting fire with fire. The troll’s fire is his supposed superiority as a man. The frill’s fire is her supposed ability to control men via sex. Just as the troll has fully embraced his role as asshole man to get to you, the frill embraces the role of evil temptress and uses it to silence the troll and humiliate him.

There are a wide variety of frilling tactics that can be used. It depends on the kind of troll you’re dealing with.  For a nasty random troll you could try a sexual comment combined with an insult like, “Ooo baby dick needs a handjob.” To a guy who thinks he deserves sexual access to you because of some cute selfies you posted, “Why don’t you come over tonight and I’ll fuck your dick so hard until it bleeds?” Or for a more mature/mansplainer troll, “I’m sorry you think this conversation on my Facebook wall about getting more women into art institutions is irrelevant. Why don’t we get a coffee sometime and discuss it in a more intimate setting?” (And never cash in on those offers, obviously).

By fighting fire with fire, you’re denying him the upstanding and respectful woman you know he is trying to break down. You’re letting the troll know he can’t get to you. You are in control of your sexuality, not him. You’re crass, you’re dirty, you have no shame and you wear those qualities proudly. You’re changing the rulebook on him on what you think it means to be a woman. The frill uses the troll’s weapons against him, throwing intellectualism out the window and engaging with the troll on a base level. The troll cannot sexually defile you, because you are telling him female sexuality cannot be defiled.

Male charm is a power used by men to manipulate others. When women use this charm, it is called flirting, and all the sudden it is unfair. But women can’t be allowed to flirt! How unfair, for women to use their sexual advantages over men. I’m sorry—isn’t this what men do all the time? Use their power as a man to get what they want? A woman should be able to use her charms to control crazy trolls, annoying mansplainers and other power hungry or otherwise obnoxious men. Is it “right”? No, but it at least levels the playing field a little tiny bit.

The trolling of women is so commonplace; we sometimes take it as normal. You can’t stop the trolls. Freedom of speech. As women online, we just have to accept the trolls. It is similar to accepting street harassment while walking the streets of an urban city. It’s going to happen, it’s an inevitable truth.

I don’t believe in those inevitable truths and I admire the people who are working on changing those truths such as Hollaback!, Stop Street Harassment and the bravery of someone like Anita Sarkeesian. But these processes take a long time. In the meantime, for dealing with the douchebags out there, frilling makes you feel powerful in what often seems like a hopeless situation. Let’s shed the shame that is often associated with being a woman who flirts to get what she wants. We’re not “cockteases”. We’re just frilling.

Now you might be saying, but not all women can frill. Only young, beautiful women can frill. That is completely untrue. The idea is not to make men sexually fall for you. The idea behind frilling is essentially sexual confidence. Tell yourself, I am a woman who deserves love and sex in the way I want it and when I want it. When I frill a troll, I’m manipulating him into thinking he’s sexually desirable as a means to pacify him and to let him know, he does not determine my value as a human, I do.

You should also frill in a way you feel comfortable with. Maybe you just give a little winky face. A small compliment. An innuendo. It can be hard to do when you’re dealing with someone you find so repulsive, but such is the art of manipulation. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to get things to go your way.

To clarify, the frill is not someone who is giving into the stereotypical smiling, happy, pleasing woman. The frill is an absurdist in her frank sexual candor but also manipulative and powerful. She takes the pornographic fantasy of the woman who is willing to please and shoves it down the troll’s throat. 

Frilling is fun, but it does not work for every situation and I recommend being aware of when it is appropriate and when it might not be. I would not frill a close male friend. I would not head into 4chan and just start raging. I would frill an anonymous troll in the Gawker comments, a man I’m not close with who is writing nasty comments on Facebook, or some dick who is just bugging me.

Frilling is not just for women, but for people who come under attack for having “feminine” qualities. I encourage men under fire from hyper masculine and aggressive trolls to frill as well. I suspect it will be equally as effective.

Is frilling problematic? Yes. The frill does not help with the stereotypes that all women are just Eve’s, evil seductresses, dying to get Adam to taste the forbidden fruit. And us feminists constantly struggle with getting men to see women as more than just sexual objects. Frilling will also not produce conversations or instances that will solve any deep issues between the sexes. But let me tell you, frilling feels so good.

There are instances in which I strive very hard to communicate with men and women why we must still fight the good feminist battle. But there are also times when I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. And it doesn’t matter what I throw at my opponent in terms of reasoning, statistics or feelings. I know I’m never going to change that dickheads misogyny against me, no matter what I lay on him. So, it’s much more fun to fuck with him, just a little.

twinsies!

twinsies!

i see dead hipsters

i see dead hipsters

kitten eating toast

o my goodness!

o my goodness!

camouflage cat

camouflage cat

irl puss in boots

irl puss in boots

the morning after

the morning after

2 lazy cats

True life: I’m a doggy bag.

True life: I’m a doggy bag.

i kno rite?

i kno rite?

ca$h prizes halloween contest!!@#@$

hello my creative poor artist friends (and everyone else too) —sunday night from 10pm-1am im doin an online halloween costume contest at younow.com. for every 10 costumes that people show up in there will be a $50 prize! and u can show up in as many dif costumes as u want so if u blow me away u could win LOTS O MONEY. cant wait to see you. my first costume is going to be “whore”—-what will yours be?